Ruthless Trust

I am loving not having a job. Ordinarily this would be cause for anxiety but I actually should be starting a new job in a few weeks. So now I have a couple of weeks during which to read, travel, clean my room, hang out with friends and do a lot of stuff that I had been neglecting. However, I'm also realizing how much I need structure in my life to get anything done. Its very strange to go from waking up every day at 6:30am and knowing that I have to be somewhere until at least 5pm, to having a full 24 hours a day to do whatever I want.

One of books I am re-reading is called, Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. In it, Brennan defines ruthless trust in God as one that is "without pity" meaning that he takes a stance against all the "self-pity" that is so prevalent in our culture. "He is calling us to a trust that stoutly refuses to regard self-interest as the highest good in life...it is an attack on all the egocentric hyphenated self-sins of our day: self-indulgence, self-will, self-service, self-aggrandizement, self-gratification, self-righteousness, self-sufficiency, etc." Brennan tells of a trust that is grounded in a solid and unshakable knowledge that the Lord of heaven loves every human being he has created. He does not ask us to gloss over the jaw-dropping horrors of the earthquake in Haiti or fail to see the daily miseries of life in order to trust, but simply asks us to give up the semblance of control and let God lead our lives. While this seems childishly simple, to actually practice this trust is much harder. This trust is not an abdication of hard work or of asking God to wave his magic wand and make hardship disappear, rather it is the recognition that the Lord is sovereign even when he doesn't intervene in exactly the way we had hoped.

To make this less abstract, I cite my recent job transition from LA Health Action. I worked with the organization for nearly two years, through multiple staff transitions, uncertain funding and some really difficult situations. In the last few months, my motivation and desire to stay with the organization has been diminishing as it has become increasingly clear that we lacked good leadership and direction. One afternoon, I received a phone call from LA County Department of Public Health with a job offer to come work in the planning, development and evaluation department. What excellent news!

I began to plan my departure and figure out how to break the news to my one remaining co-worker that I would be leaving her to run this struggling organization on her own. After turning in my letter of resignation on a Thursday, things really began to explode. We had an argument the following Tuesday and accusations and distrust blossomed where before there had seemed to be a close working relationship. Last week I think I cried at least ten times because I felt so betrayed and angered. We stumbled through the week, barely speaking to each other, yet falsely smiling on the outside and pretending everything was fine. Finally, last Friday it became clear that I needed to get out immediately, so I cleared out my desk, saved my files and left the office for good.

Throughout, I kept praying for strength and courage to end well but everything still seemed to be collapsing into chaos. Kind co-workers sought me out and prayed for me when I didn't know what to do and helped me not feel so depressed about leaving so abruptly. Although there's still some lingering anger and bitterness, I begin to see how it is really a good thing to have some time off between jobs. I never would have chosen to end my job this way, but now I have the space to reflect on grad school and travel to visit friends. This experience confirms that God is sovereign in every situation and that he is worthy of unconditional trust.